This NFL season has clearly been one of the most entertaining in recent memory, with young teams like the Rams and Bucannears quickly rising to challenge the perennial champs of the league. It is the epitomy of competition at its finest. However, the best battle going on this season is not between any division rivals nor is it for the Super Bowl. No, truly the best game we’ve seen all year is the cotinuing saga of “Dueling Douchebags” pitting Brett Favre against Randy Moss. Now, nobody would say that these two are rookies of douchebagery, in fact some might say they are perennial Pro Bowlers of Egomania and sure-fire candidates for the Asshole Hall of Fame. However, I personally don’t think I have ever witnessed such a close contest of purely self-centered combatants going at it each week. Every day seems to have one guy at the top of the hate list, then BOOM the other comes back with a new propostorous headline on ESPN to steal the lead. I really can’t decide which one of these douchebags I hate more, and that is truly a tip of the cap to the athletes involved.
Let’s try to rewind to the pre-season and set the stage for how this epic battle started (assuming that they didn’t get together and PLAN to run ESPN for the NFL season, which I wouldn’t exactly rule out. Some drunken bet about who can get more air time that resulted in this debacle. I’m not ruling this out…). Both came into the year with early questions. Moss was being questioned about his work ethic and had a contract year looming over his head, but Favre clearly took the cake with his usual off season retire/don’t retire routine. Both play so-so on the field, not living up to their level of success, but neither going crazy. Suddenly Moss is at the podium, rocking some sweet headphones during a press conference for some reason, and “Ding, Ding” Brett Favre, Moss just rang the bell, it’s on. Moss starts talking about underappreciated he feels, how he wants to be loved, and basically just putting on an amazing display of insecure self absorbtion. I can just imagine Brett Favre sitting at home in his wranglers, fuming as he watches an ESPN story not about him. The old man wasn’t gonna take this lying down. The crafty veteran had laid the seeds years before, in New York, and yet the story just surfaced this year of how Brett reportedly was texting Dick Pics to sideline reporters. Brilliant. As if Favre wasn’t a good enough story already, over 40, a grandfather, still playing in the NFL, now he can add secret perv to that resume’. Moss tried to keep up, sulking, causing problems behind the scenes, sounding like a crazy person in interviews, showing off his thin grasp on the english language, but it just wasn’t enough. Bill Belichek really did a poor coaching job on this one, instead of pushing Moss to glory and helping him achieve the scumbag success he so desired, the Pats as usual kept a lot of these stories under wraps and didn’t let it out to the public. Moss knew he had to take it to another level.
The always-talented Moss DID in fact take it another level on Monday Night Football, the biggest stage there is, against the Miami Dolphins. His teammates really helped him out on this one, by dominating on the field. They scored some great special teams touchdowns and played inspired football, not just to win obviously, but to set up Moss for his big play against Favre. You see, most players would be ecstatic after a big road win on MNF against a division rival, but here was where Moss showed why he’s a veteran prick. Despite the victory, Moss was only thrown to once and did not record a catch, and no matter how big the Pats won that just wasn’t gonna fly with Mr. Moss. Randy not only got into a heated argument with his offensive coordinator, but also refused to talk to teammates and coaches on the flight home. His disruptive behavior stole headlines and I’m sure Favre was as shocked as the rest of us when he found out that Moss was being traded…TO FAVRE’S MINNESOTA VIKINGS! Oh the irony, the two foes locked in fierce competition now sharing a locker room. Brett had to act fast, since the NFL was investigating his pervish ways, but keeping it low key. Moss was all over ESPN for his selfishness and forcing a trade from the best organization in sports while Favre was forced to watch. Brett saw the writing on the wall when he looked at the schedule and saw that they had a game in New England in a couple weeks. Moss going home to face the Pats, the headlines would be historic. Favre new he had to act fast. Still ESPN taled about his sexting, and even some new info popped up about the old man trying to work a 3-way with a couple 18 year old masseuses, but Favre new it wouldn’t be enough. Strategically, he sucked against the packers and threw a terrible Pick-6 (A Brett Favre Staple Play), but the true genius was when he suffered minor ankle fractures (an injury that experts reported any QB would play on) and started talking about how he might end his iron man streak of games started and sit out against the Pats. He even spent the next week hobbling around whenever he saw a camera to show how tough he was even to stand. Moss must have been outraged that the QB stole the headlines from him as the team travelled to New England for the big game.
This was it, the big game, with the Patriots technically the opponents, but truly it was Favre VS. Moss. Things started slow, with Favre actually playing well for once and Moss not even involved in play. Then Moss struck first when he ran a go route, drew a penalty, and instantly slowed…as the ball dropped two feet in front of him. WHAT A PLAY! Any other reciever would’ve kept the play going and caught the TD, but not a master of meatheadedness like Moss. Again, Favre felt the pressure as Randy took his douchebaginess to new heights. The QB took a big hit that opened up a gash on his chin (just a few stitches needed), but seized the opportunity to shine. He not only stayed out for the rest of the game, but even was seen on camera laying in the fetal position with his eyes closes getting carted to the locker room. The Vikings lost the game of course, but the true fans knew the real action was just beginning.
I will say as a huge sports fan that I have never witnessed a better competition than these two Gods among men going toe-to-toe in their looney press conferences. No dick sextin, no crazy rants, no terrible effort, no old man pervy fun could come close to the douchebagery on display after the game in New England. First, Moss went into full on psycho mode talking about how much he missed New England and Brady and Belichek, literally sounding like a crazy person. He also was pissed that the league fined him 20 grand for not talking to reporters so he claimed he would interview himself from now on. Brilliant, pure lunacy. Finally, he slipped in some sublte insults to the Vikings organization and coaches. One of the best performances I’ve ever seen. Now it was Favre’s turn though, and the man just refused to lose. He went on a rant about how tough he is and how he has healing powers greater than all other men (Um, no, that’s Wolverine’s super hero, you are just a douche). He talked about how awesome he was to just give his team the chance to win despite his injuries. Truly one of the most self-absorbed rants I’ve ever heard, not once talking about how his team lost or the effort of his other teammates to keep them in the game. Too close to call in such a tight race.
Things took an unexpected turn this week when the Vikings released Moss! They had just traded a 3rd round pick for him, but his crazy antics were so extreme that the team decided to cut him. Reports surfaced of Randy insulting some poor Mom & Pop caterers being the last straw. Now that’s how a coaching staff propels a player to greatness, take note Mr. Belichek. Randy is getting all the press now by being the newest member of the Tennessee Titans (the only team that put a claim on him), and I’m giving him a slight edge over Favre for the season. However, we are only there and Favre is a force to be reckoned with. This battle surely is not over yet! Who is the bigger douchbag? Only time will tell.
There Can Only Be One Winner, But All Of America Loses…And Isn’t That What’s Really Important? Thanks Brett And Randy, For Making America Dumber With Your Actions…Go Fuck Yourselves.
Posted by theaveragefan88 
